I Finally Learned What Creativity Demanded
photo: @dnamag.co
by Elena Chen
In 2022 I decided to try and be creative. I think I’ve always had a greater tendency towards creative instead of categorical pursuits. By this I mean that whilst I do appreciate the Sciences (I had a soft spot for biology because I loved the images so much - microscopic and otherwise) but I care much less about information than I did about expression. For example, music, dance, and art class were particularly meaningful to me because I learned techniques that I could then express myself with. To this day I still wake up having dreamt that I finally finished that ambitious Paper Mâché sculpture I never got to do in 5th grade. The really niche classes are what really got me. Website Design, Home Economics, and Design & Technology (We made custom flip phone holders by laser cutting then molding plastic. Iconic.). If I think back to all this, I know I’ve basically been self-teaching these same classes to myself since middle school. Do I love cooking and baking in a mildly obsessive manner? Do I incessantly pivot between branching into a ceramics or product design experimentation phase? Do I still find images in biology textbooks ravishing?
This pull between that which is based (as much as possible) in fact and in fantasy has driven me from the moment I could feel. I was never bad at the sciences. I was actually pretty decent at History and Literature. I just never felt as moved by these subjects as much as the more creative ones did. I think this was something that I had come with, it’s in my factory settings.
Whilst I enjoyed being creative, I extended my creativity to solving the wrong kind of problems. Growing up in some of the most overachieving and comparative cultures, I found creative ways of teaching myself how to conform and adapt. I told myself that it was normal to forgo the things I felt passionate about to do things that were reasonable and dependable. I convinced myself that dreams should be just that and made to rest when the eyes opened. This was also conditioned by the lack of creative options in high school. Music classes ended in the 8th grade, art in the 9th grade and I switched to AP macroeconomics and biology courses in time to graduate with credits. Despite not having any real formal training in any artistic endeavor, I decided to apply to one art school among seven comprehensive universities total. When I got an acceptance letter I thought I had to go on this adventure and see where it would lead me. I never thought that it was anything more than that.
Ten years later, I have attended classes at 5 universities, moved countries 5 times, and am once again trying to do the art “thing”. I studied photography and psychology, modeling and styling when I could, and making as many photographs of everything as I could. Then I felt the pull of the reasonable and got my undergraduate degree in Social Anthropology. Somehow, I ended up interning at VICE Shanghai in video editing after graduating. I had edited a few Youtube videos, showed it to a friend, who introduced me to their friend, and I was at VICE. But again, this was a “difficult” career to be in, long hours and overtime, sitting entire days in front of a screen…The voices of fear and doubt. So I got my Master’s in Child Psychiatry. There must be a psychological phenomenon for what was happening to me. This extreme oscillation between types of lifestyles/careers/pursuits wherein I would entirely give up on one endeavor for another in a completely different field. I was trying to give myself a clean slate every time.
There were many reasons why I could never stick with an artistic pursuit. I was doubtful of myself, of the art world, of my future in it. I didn’t have the right community or support system. 10 years on, I know now that it’s something I go back to time and time again because it’s how I express myself. It’s how I communicate with the world and how I interpret it. As I started another creative pursuit in 2022, I told myself that I would do it my way this time. I crocheted the projects that spoke to me. This hasn’t been easy and I’ve been struggling with many of the same feelings and thoughts as in my other attempts. Making it as someone creative means something different to everyone. For me, it means creating for as many of my waking hours as possible. What I’ve learned attempting this again is that creating is a deeply personal pursuit that requires some degree of seclusion.
Separation from the pressures of a conservative society, distance from those who don’t understand what I’m trying to do and a filtration system of work by others to maintain my originality (as much as that is feasible). Operations are hardly smooth but I feel fulfilled doing this thing that makes sense to me. Every day, I get to express myself. It’s an honor and privilege. I am unlearning habits and behaviors that undermine my practice. I am learning to work against the modes of living that instill an insidious need to be productive by very narrow definitions of what production is. I am trying to find creative ways of teaching myself that in fact, many types of work exist, and few of them involve money or a result.
Alice Cappelle recently spoke about the trends of Slow-living and whilst I don’t agree with everything I do agree with the general premise. I too have a dream of slow-living. Where I wake up everyday not with the need to participate in someone else’s pursuit but rather with a question inquiring what will be my own. Will I be developing a new ice cream flavor today? Perhaps sketching up a clay sculpture? Maybe trying out a new recipe on seafood stew. Maybe I’ll do a bit of gardening. Maybe I’ll crochet.
